Today has been a day of surprizes. A day of touching base with old friends and acquaintances, of calls from home and abroad. And a day of frantic phoning around banks/building societies/credit cards. As some of you may already have guessed, I have been the subject of an identity hijack. Everyone on my email contact list has been invited to contribute £2200 towards securing my rescue!
Disconcertingly, I don’t think anyone bothered to consider even doing a pub-quiz benefit for me!! Friends – where are they when you need them?????
I have assured all those I have spoken to that I am not now nor have ever been, in Cyprus (which is where I am alleged to have encountered some dreadful mishap). However I am always ready to accept donations of £2200. I have discussed at length with some of you my plans for a superstar spa bathroom and mooted the cost implications of such a project. I have always harboured secret thoughts of hiring a garden architect to design and sculpt a 21st century landscaped Japanese garden with Zen corner water feature (taking the place of our current wildlife sanctuary and environmentally friendly waste emporium). And if contributions stretch far enough, I have dreamed of adding a topfloor sun-room complete with roof garden to our humble abode, thus enabling both family and visitors to take full advantage of our seaside location.
It would be helpful, however, if willing patrons bypassed the middle man (who has already been in contact with you all) and donated directly to myself. I can text you the bank account number (currently registered in an easily accessible, hot, offshore island) and will furnish regular progress reports as soon as work gets underway. Naturally, I will arrange with you all a mutually agreeable (long-term) repayment schedule.
For those of you not convinced that this work is actually needed to chez seasidetownee, that someone with mischief in mind may be attempting to commandeer this most personal of my public spaces, that, indeed, an unauthorized alien may yet be intent on usurping my innermost thoughts and random meanderings – can I just point out to you that the grammer here is way better than that from my doppelganger!!!!!
And – as it happens – I have already completed all the security processes required by Hotmail to recapture my own life!!! So – all that remains is to await the avalanche of donations from well wishers rejoicing in my safe-return (from Cyprus, naturally!)